i know why breakups hurt!

I am going to stand on the hill and shout out loud; very loud by the way. Here is what I will strongly scream “I know why breakups hurt” I know you must be asking yourself what this young girl can possibly know about heartbreaks.

Well I know enough to make you shake my hands in agreement.

Philip told me that when there is a dark cloud around your heart, your life is damp. This was when he saw the tears that peeped out of my eyes as I laughed about a joke a friend had just cracked about a big man who was carrying porridge in his daughter’s container. I was trying so hard to fit in the prefect discussion we were having. Being a sunny Sunday afternoon everyone’s smiles and laughter was reflecting the weather. However Philip saw beyond the laughter and asked that question. The one question that I am sure 98% of the people who ask it are never even interested in what the answer will be. How are you?

My now husky voice could not hide the pain anymore. I burst into tears but I still had the guts to say I was fine like everyone always does.  Why were these tears telling my story?

The day was coming to an end but since that morning and the one before and the mornings of the months before, I had been re assuring me that I will break up with him and that when everything comes to an end, I would be fine. That I and him will remain friends; perhaps better friends than we were already.

I had promised myself not to take any bullshit like any girl wants to make herself believe. I had always set my Mays  cans, will, do, and don’ts. They were as clear as national boundaries are in plain sight. I knew when he crossed the line sometimes I extended it further ahead saying this line is fine let him cross the other one and he will see my wrath. But alas we were now at the wall, when I looked behind us there were so many lines I had allowed him to cross and jump and even some I let him dance around.

So today I was finally done, much done. We were over. My mind, Heart and Body had been in the meeting that came to this conclusion. The Soul had sent representatives like Zeal and Hope to make his vote. I will not disclose who did not vote for the motion. We had agreed that I was a strong woman.

We had discussed everything but the most important part of the breakup.

It was the part where I had to tell everyone.

I know you are asking yourself, how important it is and how crucial it is. Well, it is as important as the excitement you had when you were telling everyone how you had hit the jackpot and that he was now your man. Only that now it was the opposite. I wonder what the opposite of a jackpot is.

When I was alone, everything was under control. I would laugh about the fun times and re-assure myself that there was more in store for me. That God had the right man for me just like kyomugisha’s sister had got herself a superman. That, I was not the first one to be hurt and probably will not be the last. That, there was more to life. I consoled myself with all the statements my mind could tell the heart.

When the questions like; how is your man doing, what is new about the two of you, should we prepare our gomesis and bitaabi for kuhigira, why is your finger is still naked. Those questions and many more shoot past me through one ear out the other. Only that they took a long sit in the Mind. Am sure many of you are familiar with them.

When the time to tell all the stakeholders in my life that I and him had broken up, I did not have the strength. I could not get myself to say it all. I was sad. There was a rock in my throat. Tears were like a water fall that has been blocked by a big metal. They pushed with a great force. It was then that I knew that truth.

Telling people is the hardest part of breaking up.

Naki, the house help  at home had told me; “tobuliira munto noomu, kubanga abantu baziibu nyo” (don’t tell a soul about your pain, people are a difficult species) but how was that possible? How was I going to pretend I was fine?

They all seemed more interested than before. I had thought about what I was going to tell everyone and how each of them would react and what would be my counter statement. I had the control; it was my relationship, that and more were the encouraging things I kept on reminding myself.

But when the time came, like a young child afraid of the dark. I could not hide the tears. I cried as they listened to the story. I cried as they told me it was fine. I cried as they hugged me. I cried as some cocooned behind my back to say things like I knew they would not make it, that guy was too good for her. I cried as some men told me I was now back on the market.

Most outstandingly, I cried when I told the story.

At that point my heart tore apart like it was going through a shredding machine. My mind could not find the right words to tell my mouth to say. My body was pushing out the tears through the only outlet that does the job, begging for another outlet to simplify the load. I cried. I cried. And cried. It was at that point that Hope and Zeal marched out on me.

It was at this point that the realization came to me. The hardest part about a breakup is telling everyone the truth. The truth, that you are hurting.